I don't know about you, but this New Years I was not feeling too accomplished. This empty regretful feeling kept following me around.
I don't usually buy into setting resolutions and the new year, new you sorta stuff. That said the one new years-y thing I do is write a theme word down for the year. I usually end up picking a nebulous word that scares me a little.
Last year my word was Expansion.
It's not yet clear to me how the word expansion manifested itself in my life because looking back on my year it felt anything but expansive. More like blurry and cloudy. Maybe that's what it looks like when the universe expands- blurry and cloudy! Ha! Maybe I'm still in the middle of the expansion? Maybe I need to add another word to get clearer on what the hell I did last year?
What did i do last year? NO. SERIOUSLY. WHAT DID I DO?
To be fair, I've got some factors that are contributing: this year is my 40th trip around the sun, my daughter's almost 9, I have been married for 18 years and no matter what I do to try and create a safe haven for my friends and family the world feels like a scary place these days.
To put it simply-
Things are changing. My role is changing --I am going through (dread) A STAGE!
I guess there is something to these life stages people yammer on about. I've always been of the mindset: yeah, yeah, yeah, that's fine for you, but i'll figure out a way to outsmart that stage in my life and find a creative way around it. That's the rebel in me- it can be a real pain in the ass sometimes. It doesn't help that my teenage years were rooted in the grunge era- when it was cool to be irreverent and not give a flying eff about anything.
Everything was a joke, a big giant existential joke.
And to be honest, it's a theme that circles around me more than I would like to admit: What is the point of life? What is the point of all of this? Why don't I feel what everyone else appears to be feeling?
I know. I know. Believe me. I know... but I am trying not to judge it.
This is how I feel, but it is not who I am in my entirety.
Luckily, I have circled around the sun enough to know it's not great for me to hang out in this place of my mind too long.
It's such a fine line between exploring what I am feeling and indulging in what I am feeling.
So I read a book, The Best Year of Your Life by Debbie Ford and cringed at the title.
She asks things like Who are you blaming for your current situation? What would make this your best year yet? What qualities do you need to cultivate to experience your best year yet?
I took Debbie's bait, I am doing the exercises and will keep you posted on my progress.
It turns out I have been blaming others for my current situation. I'm not completely certain what would make this my best year yet. And I don't rightly know what qualities I need to cultivate.
But, I am going to find out because I don't like the way I feel and I need to always be changing.
And I'm deciding right now my word for this year is CLARITY. Let's see what I discover when the EXPANSION dust settles.
What New Years-y thing do you do?